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Mountain/Wilderness Jokes

I saw this and thought I'd start a thread for mountain and wilderness jokes...

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day.

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."


I know I have some jokes lying around here somewhere...

Four blondes and a brunette went mountain climbing one day. They were all friends, but the four blondes were closer to each other then they were to the brunette. They started climbing up the mountain by pulling themselves up with a rope. Halfway up, they noticed that the rope was slipping.

"There's too much weight for the rope to support all of us." the brunette said. "One of us is gonna have to jump."

All the blondes were screaming and crying because they didn't want to risk loosing each other.

"I'm very moved by your friendship." the brunette said to the blondes. "Because of that, I'll jump."

The blondes were so touched by her courage , that they all started clapping.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Holmes said: “Watson, look up and tell me what you see”.

Watson said: “I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars”.

Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a moment: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”

“Why? – What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a moment then spoke: “Someone has stolen our tent.”

A few tips for enjoying the great outdoors:

1.  The guitar of the noisy teenager in the neighboring campsite makes excellent knidling for your campfire.

2. In an emergency the drawstring from your parka hood can be used to strangle your snoring tent mate.

3.  When starting a fire with two pieces of wood, make sure one of them is a matchstick.


One day an atheist went for a hike in the woods.  While walking on the trail he heard a noise behind him.  He turned to see an angry gigantic bear charging toward him.  He started running, but the bear kept getting closer and closer.  When he tried to look behind, he tripped on a root sticking out of the trail.  The bear caught up, pinned him to the ground, gave an angry growl that showed the hiker a mouth full of teeth, then lifted one of this clawed paws to strike the atheist and rip him apart.  The atheist screamed out "Oh God, someone please save me!"  

Just then everything froze, a white light appeared above the hiker, and a voice said  "So, you don't believe in God, Jesus, or divine intervention; I'll give you this one last chance to change your ways."   The atheist hiker thought about it for a moment, then said "couldn't you change the bear so he would be kinder and more thoughtful towards humans?".  The voice then said "if that is your desire, so be it!".  

The light disappeared and everything in the forest started moving again.  The bear went calm, got off the atheist, sat beside him, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and started to say a prayer - "Dear God, thank you for this meal I'm about to consume  . . . . ",

A hiker comes to the river crossing up north and wants to get across, sees another hiker on the other side and yells over.... HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE....
The other hiker looks up river, then down river and yells:

Indicators that you might be too obsessed with climbing

Indications that you might be a little too obsessed with climbing:

1.  You’re in a math class and you find out the decimal system does not end at 5.14.
2.  While on vacation you walk into a cathedral and immediately start looking at the walls for routes to get to the ceiling.  
3.  While walking up stairs you instinctively start pressure breathing.
4.  You practice installing bolts on the unseen side of your apartment building.  Next thing you know, it ends up in a guide book (or on the SGMDF?) as one of the premier urban climbing walls in the area.
5.  Your apartment is a little short on space, so you install bolts on the building just outside a window, hang a port-a-ledge from them, and use that as your bedroom.
6.  You can get onto the roof of any house in the neighborhood without using a ladder.
7.  When finished with a home fix-it job, you ‘flake out’ the electrical extension cord then wonder if its better to store it in a mountaineers coil or a butterfly coil arrangement.
8.  While in a climbing store you innocently complement a girl who is trying on a harness by saying  ‘nice rack’ and next thing you know you’re being kicked out for being a pervert.
9.  You complain about having to spend $300 for a dress suit for work, but think nothing of dropping $1000 on a Gortex climbing shell and pants.
10.  You suddenly realize those street shoes you bought are one size too small, but they feel great.
11.  You overhear that a co-worker got busted for crack, and your only comment is “he was a climber?”.
12.  Your buddies and you complain about pro athletes cheating by taking performance enhancing drugs, but wonder if you’ve got enough Diamox for that trip to Denali next spring.  
13.  You get so bored when injured or sick that you actually WANT to read ‘Outside’ and ‘Backpacker’ magazines.
14.  You’ve taken more pictures in the last year with climbing partners on summits than with your family at home.  

Very Happy  Very Happy  Very Happy

#7 is very true!!!!

A 3-legged bear walks into Newcomb's Ranch, orders a beer and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Q: What's the difference between a golfer and a rock climber?

A: A golfer goes "Whack!... Shit!" and climber goes "Shit!... Whack!"

So two ole boy's are up in the Blackfoot river area of Montana getting ready for their journey.

As he's sitting down to tie his boots, the one guy, asks the other if he's prepared for grizzlys.

His buddy looks at him, pulls out a brand new pair of running shoes and holds them up to show.

His bud looks at him and says "You know better than that, you can't outrun a grizzly"

He turns to him, holds the shoes up again and says " I know I can't outrun a grizzly.....I only have to outrun you"


Thank you for that! Rich Conforti, friend of mine and manager of Adams' Pack Station at Chantry Flat, who died last month, used to tell visitors that were worried about wildlife in The Canyon that they needn't outrun a bear or lion, just their hiking partner.


PackerGreg wrote:
Thank you for that! Rich Conforti, friend of mine and manager of Adams' Pack Station at Chantry Flat, who died last month, used to tell visitors that were worried about wildlife in The Canyon that they needn't outrun a bear or lion, just their hiking partner.

Hi Greg, sorry to hear that. I always wanted to get over that way, but seems I never get past the East Fork. Interesting guy from what I saw on website.

The stories lost and learned from people like him & others are what makes me stick around to see what's gonna happen next.  

I get asked that same question time and time again. "Aren't you scared of the mountain lions/bears/chipmunks" (it all depends on what the TV news is currently focused on). I tell em no, animals want no part of a confrontation, they ain't no hospital to go to! But when they do, watch out

Two legged mammals w/o common sense, I keep a close eye on, tho! till proven otherwise.

Last time I spent a good part of the year up the fork, about 1995, I was camped at Heaton,ben up Iron fk way for a while and was bunking there till morning, before headed to store.

Had my partner in crime, Sam, a 115 # golden retriever that stuck with me for 15 yrs thru life in Utah and the NW states wake me up about 10:30pm, barkin an growlin like I never heard. Course I fly out the tent, not sure what's up, and he's got his hair stuck up higher than Iron Mt, growling like a rabid mutt and pissing on everything around the 30' perimeter of the camp.
I hear something in the brush, moving back and away to the right. Get him calmed down, and me, still not sure what it was out there.
 Make sure we ain't getting doubled back on and hear him move on  towards the river. Sleep, sorta. Wake up at crack of dawn and sure nuff, nice sets of tracks, he was healthy, 6-7" spread on paws from what I could make out.

Figger I'd be a nice guy and wander on down to FS, let em kno. Ranger was washing truck, walked up and told him story. He asked me if any damage was done, said wasn't. I wasn't worried, but didn't want someone else to encounter him and nut up and run or sumthin, ('member the common sense part?)

He tells me that he's about a 350-400# ole boy that comes down from Mt. Baldy area, and a lil pissed add, Someone had strung a line across the water, hung a 20# ham leg on it and wanted to take a picture of whatever showed up. Bears never were common down that low before that lil stunt, he added.

Now we have LIVE ACTION NEWS video, all thanks to them. I dink.....

Yep, love to lay in my hammock, 3 ft from the trail, wait for the oblivious flatlanders to walk by without a clue to the world around em, head hung down, eyes riveted fwd, as if they are invisible to anything that might do harm to them or God forbid, interact with them, and say a hearty"HI".... they can jump pretty high. Smile
Lots has changed in the canyon over the years, "Jacks Cabin", with its hand chiseled steps stating so, the bridge, collapsed? wow. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your view,  Mother Nature is still a bitch and those hills will make a believer out of you or break you and spit ya out.

 I also had the bright idea to go up sluicing with some friends one day in April 2011. Ever see a kid look you straight in the eyes, while your screaming at him to swim, swim, swim and roll his eyes over in his head and give up? Sucks, never even tried to survive, just gave up. Here is excerpt....

Posted on April 3, 2011 by Brian Day
From City News Service:
AZUSA – The body of a young man was found Sunday in the Angeles National Forest by searchers looking for a 20-year-old Anaheim man who was swept away while trying to cross the East Fork of the San Gabriel River, a sheriff’s deputy said.
The body was found around 3:30 p.m. in the Coyote Flats area, said Deputy Benjamin Grubb of the Sheriff’s Headquarters Bureau.
Grubb said the body was that of “an adult Asian male,” but that it had not been positively identified as Golden West College student Joe Le.
Le was swept away about 1:30 p.m. Friday while trying to cross the snowmelt-swollen river in the Angeles National Forest near Camp Williams, where a rope is strung across the river, according to witnesses and sheriff’s deputies.
Hikers saw him floating face-down in a pool, but could not reach him in the steep, boulder-strewn canyon.
Le’s hiking partner, Brian Tran, was found safe in the vicinity, Boyett said. He told deputies Le had fallen and drifted downstream while trying to wade through the river at the rope crossing.

Never want to see someone die, but..........they don't teach you how to have the will to survive by playing video games.

Like John Wayne says " Life's hard. It's harder if your stupid"

Had a few interesting encounters up there, the biggest male Big Horn I ever saw, 6 ft from you, scared and snorting cause you scared him, on the goat trail that goes up to Iron Fork story will have to wait.........too long winded for a new guy, so till time we meet and the campfire is at telling tales time..........c u when i c u.

Dang, FNG. Forgot this is a joke thread...............hence.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured woman out?

He died laughing before he could tell anyone.


 What is 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives woman nuts?


Rolling Eyes

 Why do woman have breasts?

So men will talk to them.


words of wise men..........

1. Give a man a fish & he will eat for a day.
   Teach a man to fish & he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

2. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

3. Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes
   from bad judgement.

4. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

5. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

6. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

7. Experience is something you don't get until right after you need it.

8. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is  

9. Somedays you are the bug, and somedays your the windshield.

10. Don't squat with your spurs on.

 Enjoy, toodles...............


Mike P


LOL rad.
Uncle Rico

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